A Heartbreaking Moment

Tonight was a night that I think Michael & I will probably always remember. I'm sure it's a night that Alex won't soon forget either. You see, he went to bed hungry tonight - and it broke my heart! It truly made me wish that I wasn't his mother because I wanted so badly to give in to his pleadings. And, I now know what my parents felt during a similar battle when I was young. It all came about because he absolutely refused to eat his dinner. He insisted that he didn't like it, and came to this conclusion without even picking up his spoon! He simply looked at it, saw it was something new, and decided he wouldn't eat it.

I guess in his mind, he figured that if he cried long enough, cried loud enough, and begged enough times, he would eventually be given something else to eat. And, he was right with one exception. The instructions given to him were as follows: take 5 bites of your dinner and I'll give you some apples & grapes. These were my exact words. Five measly bites of something he'd never tried and very well might have liked! Was that really too much for me to ask of my son?

It wasn't so much that I wanted to him to eat the beef stew on his plate because of it's health value; it was the principle of the situation. I felt that it was a test for both of us. In my mind, if I gave in to his demands, then he won! What kind of parent would I be if I allowed a tantrum to win a battle? On the other hand, what kind of parent am I that I forced him to go to bed hungry? Talk about feeling torn!!! My heart wanted to badly to just give him the stupid apple to end what lasted for more than 2 hours, but my head told me to stick to my guns at all costs. I'm wondering what that cost might have been?

When I was younger, a similar occurrence happened between me & my parents. The culprit was cooked spinach - something I still can't choke down. My mother had put it into an omlet and my instructions were to eat the whole thing. Well, I did, except that I picked out every last leaf of spinach, leaving a nice little pile of the green mush on my plate. That just wasn't acceptable to my parents, so a battle ensued. Without re-living the whole incident over, or making my parents out to be horrible monsters (which they definitely were not), I very distinctly remember sitting there, starring at that plate and thinking that if I held out long enough, they'd give in. I don't think I could have been more wrong. So, of course, in this situation, I felt that Alex was doing the same thing to me. Though his personality is very different from mine, I cannot say that he would never do such a thing. Anyone is capable of defiance!

So, I'm wondering if sending my 5 year old to bed hungry was too much, or justified? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to that. I know that Michael, who wanted to have nothing to do with this battle, is upset because he ended up in the middle of it, having to enforce my rules. This too is something that I feel very badly about. But, had the shoe been on his foot instead of mine, and it has been many times, I would have been forced to carry out Michael's rules as well. This is the part of being a parent that you don't ever think you'll have to face. After all, "my children will never cross me like I crossed my parents!" I think I'll choose to hope that this will be a lesson learned by all of us; that Alex will always remember that we are the parents and sometimes he'll have to do what we say, regardless of what he wants or doesn't want at that moment; and that we will never have to go around this mountain again!

My heart breaks for my little boy! I truly feel about 2 inches tall at this moment, confessing my shortcomings as a parent to all who come across this entry. But, my hope is that the lesson that I feebly attempted to teach him will actually be a reminder to him, and not a wound he will carry for the rest of his childhood. I was sure to tell him about 100 times how much I loved him and that he was the most important 5 year old in my life. And, I made him a promise that I will be getting up extra early to fulfill - I promised him a big, yummy breakfast!

- - - Just a postscript to this entry: About the time I finished typing out my confession to the world, my sweet little boy came down the stairs and said one last time that he was hungry. Since he's been dead asleep for the last 2 1/2 hours, I figure that I've probably driven my point home. And, by the way, he's laying on the couch eating 1/2 an apple, a dozen or so grapes, and watching The Book of Virtues. So, for those of you ready to call the CPS on me, please know that I would never do anything to physically harm my children. My children are my life, my entire world! And, Alex, if you read this years down the road, know that I love you more than anything else, and, at this moment, my heart still hurts...